im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I came so hard my ears popped.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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