upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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