ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You pole danced in your parka.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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