So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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