Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
