Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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