people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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