I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
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She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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