Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
