well I can't set my house on fire every night
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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