Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
