im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
