We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
