I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
