shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
