just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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