My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
