There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
