Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
