i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
