I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
