So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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