Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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