so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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