i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
