Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
