I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
