highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
