When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
