I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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