I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
