I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
