he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
