if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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