What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
