Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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