My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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