he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
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Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize