I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
