I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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