you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
