And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
