She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
