I'm so fucking centered right now
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
