Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
