so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Randomize
