She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
