Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
