Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
