I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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