i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
