Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
