My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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