I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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